Following God’s lead

I am contemplating a divorce – no, not from my husband. I think we are stuck with each other as no one else would probably have either one of us *giggle*. No, I’m thinking about divorcing my church of almost 20 years and finding another.

This is a difficult decision for me. When I first started going to my current church, Acronymsical was a preschooler; and Matt wasn’t even a gleam in our eyes. Every Sunday morning I had the most wonderful I-can’t-wait-to-get-to-church feeling. Once I started singing in the choir, this all multiplied because choir practice night was also a time of joy. Now, I have to pry myself out of bed, and if I weren’t in the choir, I probably would just skip the entire thing.

What happened? I keep wondering. I think it started about four maybe five years ago. We had a minister at the time who was more interested in retiring from the ministry having accomplished his goals for himself rather than shepherding his flock. There was a subtle change of direction in the church. One of his goals was to get rid of the then choir director who had built our choir for almost 30 years. She was a great part of what made Wednesday practices so fulfilling. But finally he forced her to quit because he wanted to bring in a friend of his. To make a very long story as short as possible, the choir rejected his friend, and this made the ministry angry. He didn’t mind showing his anger either. In retaliation he hired a choir director with no input from the choir. This man has a masters degree in music, but he can’t read music as well as I can, his expertise is in directing musicians not singers, and to be charitable, I believe he is partially deaf. To make matters worse, he has never struck me as a particularly spiritual person. Directing our choir is just a job to him, not a ministry. Plus he does not even live in our community, so he doesn’t take part in any church activities aside from the ones involving Wednesday and Sunday food.

We eventually changed ministers, although the new choir director remained. I love our current minister. He’s organized, a good speaker, and has vision for church growth. But his strengths are also his weaknesses. He’s so organized the worship service is based on precision and lacks emotion. He wants our church to grow and he’s looking at various programs and activities to bring in new people, but he neglects the needs and feelings of older members. It’s frustrating.

What do I want in a church? This has not been easy questions to answer. I want to feel the tingly excitement that I used to feel on Sunday morning. I want to walk back to my car either fired up for ministry or contemplative about a new way of thinking about a scripture passage. I want to feel united with the other people who attend my church. Currently we have two church hours – each with a different music style – and two Sunday school hours. In effect, we are two congregations meeting in the same building at the same time. If we have a common purpose, I am not aware of it. I want to serve in ministry and be supported in that ministry. I have been the drama director for many years, but I do not feel that people see what I do as ministry, and I refuse to be a part of the Sunday morning entertainment.

During July our choir director is giving us the month off. I plan to use these Sundays to explore other churches and see if I can find a worship service that leaves me inspired and feeling that I have just spent an hour with God. I have prayed that He will direct me in this search. If it spills over into August, so be it. I feel a need to be in corporate worship, but I want to be more than a pew potato. Where God leads, I will follow. He led me to my current church, and I feel certain he will lead me to one that will be best for both of us. Please pray for my search.