Confession time

I haven’t played much piano lately. I needed a break from it. I got to one of those plateaus in learning that have always defeated me… that place where I could only go so far and then regression and anger. I’ll explain.

Allegro means clipping right along at a fairly fast rate. It is one of those Italian terms that classical musicians have used for centuries. There are lots of Italian words that tell what speed to play something or if the music is to be played loudly or softly or smooth and mellow or choppy and jagged sounding. Well, the ditty I was working on was named “Allegro” by Haydn. Right off the bat I knew this two-pager was to be played fast and because of other markings on the music I also knew it was to be played with a light touch with periods of loud followed by periods of soft, and a multitude of other picky little details that if done right, make music such a pleasure to listen to.

When I began practicing this piece I concentrated on learning the notes and fingering and progressed into the more difficult forms of expression. All the while I attempted to get faster and faster. Finally I got the thing almost to speed, but when I did that my fingering was lousy and the expression was not what was indicated by the music. I slowed back down and tried again. As long as I played the piece considerably slower than allegro, I could get all the other things right. But when I brought it up to speed I had no control of anything else. Back in forth I went. I could feel the frustration building until I lost all reasonableness and began shouting at the music, the piano, my fingers, and my inability to master this stupid two-page piece of music.

A few days later I spoke to the pastor I work for about this. He was preparing to teach a mid-week class on one of the seven deadly sins – anger. After I described all my feelings he said that I was anger about the something that lay between me and what I wanted to accomplish. I agreed. I explained that I often felt that God only gave me half talents – many things that I can do, but not do anything really well. He then asked me if I was angry at God. I pause and then agreed I was. I am. How can a person love God and be angry at God all at the same time? How can I resolve this? I really want to play the piano well, but how do I know if God indeed really only gave me half a talent and if so, what good is it if it only brings on frustration? Perhaps he actually gave me a whole talent, but I’ve never worked hard enough to master the instrument. How do I know?

So, all this is running around in my head when we hit the topic of prayer in my own Bible study. Obviously the thing to do is pray about this dilemma. But how do I approach God about it? Do I ask God for more talent or do I ask him to help me use the partial talent he did give me in some way for him. (I was a dismal failure the year I accompanied one of our children’s choirs several years ago, so don’t suggest that.) Or do I ask for a sign about the actual ability level in this area that he did give me so I won’t keep knocking myself out to do something I will never really be able to do or I’ll know to keep trying. I feel I need to be as honest as I can with this prayer, but I’m not even sure if it’s ok to say, “God, I’m really mad at you for giving me a half a talent when I would love to be able to play all the great church music written over the years.”

In the mean time, I’m staying away from serious practicing for awhile. I’m looking forward to some kind of resolution to this problem, but right now I feel like I've lost a friend.